Interpretation

When different people listen or read the same thing be it a book, speech, conversation..etc, we will interpret the general content the same. However, there is something called "reading between the lines". Well i think this phrase do apply to listening too and this interpretation is very different from individual to individual. Sometimes a question asked with an innocent intention, perhaps just purely would like to know the answer out of curiosity. Or a remark is made just because of curiosity or difference in working style. However the person who this question (or remark) is directed (intentionally or unintentionally) to might interpret the reason behind this question/remark wrongly. This is when miscommunication and sometimes arguments arise. Do you think when we have a problem with another person we should talk it through honestly and immediately when the problem arise? And after the so call "chat" everything is back to normal with the changes needed for better relationship? Is everything really normal? Can it truly be forgiven and forgotten? In addition, i also have a recent theory that it is because how we interpret the "between the lines" meaning differently, hence our memory of what has been said or done can be different. When confronted with " you have said this on this day..etc" can we really remember that we have truly said that and on the day or time when we have said what? Could it be that it is because we didn't confront the person at the time when misinterpretation happened and hence will cause misunderstanding and leads to break-down of relationship? It certainly not a nice feeling to be accused of something you cannot remember. Hmm.. perhaps i should even use the word "accuse" because it might be that you have said but just cannot remember. Sigh... So how careful should we be in speaking? If we always need to tip toe around a certain person and be ultra careful or our action and speech, will this make us not ourselves? Are we being fake and full of pretence? Perhaps the solution is not to talk at all. HA! But this will lead to another problem - not enough communication and hence break-down of relationship. There is just no perfect solution is there?

Treasure every moment

These days i have a routine, which helps me to settle and feel less restless. Week 3 (last week) of confinement was most difficult for some reasons unknown to me. I felt so restless and impatient. Really got bored of the 4 walls of each room in the house. Although I was (still am) enjoying fully every second spent with my little baby. Everyone have told me before i gave birth and even now that to treasure these 2 months with her as it is irreplaceable and most precious. It is really good advice. Today when i carry the baby first thing in the morning it suddenly hit me that she has grown bigger (longer and fatter). I feel very happy to see she is healthy, eating well and growing now. But at the same time I have this strange feeling that I am missing her already. Motherhood does give you a lot of emotional roller coaster that you cannot prepare yourself beforehand. Well, i guess this is normal. It will be harder when i need to get back to work and get use to a different routine.

Seeing this baby growing so fast also make me realised that time passes without anyone able to stop it. Especially during the weekend i have also received a sad news that one of my good friend at Miri has lost her grandma due to old age. Many times we feel especially sad due to guild when we have lost someone forever. Hence, we should all treasure every moment spend with our love ones and try our best to be with them as much as we can.

Never been so happy to see s**t!

Well, i was going to do this blog earlier this week and wanted to titled it:"From you my precious i am learning patience". Then yesterday I would also want to do a blog on "The healing process". But, i think it is more humorous if I do the title as "Never been so happy to see Shit".

Well, last week I went for a check-up and to remove my stitches, this was on Friday afternoon. On the same day morning baby is having some really discomfort, noticed that she has constipation (stool very hard) and also a lot of mucus/phelm in her throat and nose. Cried a lot in the morning which behaviour was not her usual self. Since I need to go to the hospital for check-up hence brought her a long too. Unfortunately her pediatrician had no clinic that day and other children drs were busy hence was suggested to go to emergency wad. The baby had was seen, but everything is fine. Phew... apparently the phelm issue is quite common for new born. So was given a nasal spray to clear her nose for easy breathing. Also given stool softening. Again quite common for new born who did not start with breast milk (not too successful yet.. but improving). So spent 90 bucks for the baby. The stool softening was given for 3 days and finally there were a lot of shit! Hubby actually commented that it was the first time that he was very happy to see shit. HEE... we laughed so much after this comment because it was really funny but applicable to the situation. I think also because we were also relieved.

One major thing i have learnt so far being in motherhood for 1 and half week is that you really do need to be patient when handling that fragile little thing. They can't communicate with you very well other than cry and make noise. So you have to do the guessing game and someone telephathic! It is so far quite tiring but no regret and when you catch the occasional cheeky smile, everything is worth it.

Hubby is still very tired these days. I don't think he has rested enough yet. The healing process is not just for me but also for him. I am doing quite alright, the initial depression of not being able to be with my baby 24hours is wearing off. The fear for the labour and operation process is no longer here and I am enjoying having some time to myself during the day when mom is watching over the baby. Usually after feeding and she is sleeping. The external wound still hurts a bit when I move around especially in and out of bed. But it is healing fast too. My aunt apparently have commented to my mom that she thinks i would not want to have another baby after my ordeal. Hence she was surprised that i made a remark that i will. Actually, mother instinct kicks in and i can't help it but think i would like to have 3 more! But hubby limited me to 1 more.

Labour Journey

Hubby's and my bundle of joy

YEAH! Finally the baby has arrived. Though it was really not easy. Of course I have never thought it would be. Many many mothers out there have gone through the same process, they all described that the labour pain is as if you have wanted to die. Honestly, they are not joking at all. Mine is a bit different from a normal birth. Well, my gynea has said that if the baby didn't come naturally by 30thOct, she will be induced. So I was admitted to hospital on late afternoon of 29thOct in preparation for the process. The admission was quick after-all this is Prince Court Medical Centre. Their services are just superb and i really have nothing to complain. I was both excited and also anxious to do this. My hubby has been with me from the start and I really treasured his presence and from this experience I really can feel how much he really loves me. Oh.. ok.. i am jumping the gun a bit here... let me get back to my story. So.. i was admitted to the labour wad directly. Initially the plan was that to give me a tablet to soften the cervix and dialate it so the labour process can kick start. For a lot of people, 2 tablets will do the job and the baby delivered the next morning. However, my stubborn body did not react at all to 2 tablets. I was strapped with a baby heart rate monitoring and the contraction measuring strap. Well, there were mild contraction but no pain at all. It was a disturbed sleep night as i was checked regularly. Since it was the wad, hubby also didn't get to sleep other than the sofa. He must have been so stress and worried. He later told me that for the whole experience all he can be is just a observer. We cried later on when we exchanged our experience and feeling. But anyway, let me get back to the story. So.. next morning came and they put me on drip for the real thing. OH MY! The real contraction started.. and it was seriously no joke. The breathing technique helps.. but gosh.. i don't know how the olden people can do it without any medical help. 3 hours into the labour pain i asked for epidural. Well.. it ease the pain off completely at start.. however, as the process progress, the pain came back and the anaesthecian has to top up the medication. Cutting the story short, he actually topped up 3 times to a point that it cannot be done further. I was so drowsy, the pain was so strong and honestly, i was in a lot of pain in the last 5 hours!!!! I was sweating, dizzy... although the nurses asked whether i want to be topped up with the gas that takes away the pain a bit i decided not too as i really would like to stay logical. The dr came to check on me regularly and i can hear that he also became worried that there was just no progress. The baby did not move any further down the cervix and the cervix did not dialate more than 5cm. He initially suggested to go for a ceasearian and i told hubby that I DO NOT WANT an operation. I want to do this naturally. Sigh.. but by 1am on 31October2009, 16 hours into this labour and 5 hours excruciating pain, the gynea asked me and i said as long as it doesn't harm the baby, take her out! Later my hubby actually told me that he was all prepared to convince me to do it as he also cannot stand seeing me in pain anymore. Poor thing, he didn't sleep at all, at least i drifted in and out of consciousness in between my pain. However, everytime i opened my eyes he was there.. standing.

Well, as long as i nodded my head for the operation, everything and everyone ran into a lot of motions. First the nurses have to clean the area in preparation for operation. Consent forms to be signed.. etc etc. At that point i was so exhausted that i also threw up, which make hubby worried even more. Well.. i felt much much better after throwing up. Heh... anyway so i was changed, wheeled to 2nd floor (i was at 6th floor) for the operation. As i was lying there.. seeing the ceiling lights passes by when they wheeled me, hubby was always just there.. and i did remembered joking that now i have an interesting story to blog about! It was just all like ER! Well, i vaguely remembered my gynea also laughed about my remarked. As i reached the operation theatre entrance, hubby has to wait outside. I panicked.. but this has to be done. So i braved myself to face the operation. Normally if it is not an emergency c-section, the husband is allowed to go in. Unfortunately this was an emergency and hence there might be complication so hubby was asked to wait outside and he will be called in when the baby was removed from me (this is when later hubby told me that he felt like crying when he was waiting outside.. so exhausted and so worried). Well, the most interesting experience that came was how they moved me from the labour bed onto the operation bed. Very efficient.. i have always seen it done on movies but experiencing it was a total different dimension. Since i still felt pain when i had epidural, so they have to take out the catheter for epidural and gave me a spinal anaesthetic. So i can still be conscious while half of my body was numbed. They did say if i do not react well with this then it will have to be general anaesthetic which this is what i am afraid of and hence also why hubby is not allowed to be in the theatre to witness. But.. all goes smooth from there.. i didn't feel a thing other than the pressure of them pushing my stomach around and next thing i knew.. the baby was CRYING! Oh man.. she sure can cry!!!! Even the nurses and doctors there laughed at how good the baby lung is for that cry! They showed me the baby as they removed from my womb. Well.. they had this curtain covering from my chest so i couldn't really see what they were doing. The baby was then wrapped in a warm blanket and they let me kissed her then sent up to the nursery (they did asked me to double check that the tag they put on the baby is my name and date of birth 31Oct time 2.25am). Then suddenly one of the nurse asked:"where is the father?". Oh.. funny actually because they were all so concentrated on me that they forgot about my hubby was still waiting outside. But poor hubby.. so anxious and so worried. However, he later told me that he followed the midwife upstairs with the baby and all were well. He came back down later to sit by me at the waiting area of the op theatre as i needed to be kept there for an hour for observation in case any further problem. I was really shivering uncontrollably once the whole thing was over. The nurses actually put me with 2 layers of blankets (one blanket and one duvet actually) and a hot air that blow into the blanket. Within seconds i was calmed down. No shivering. I cannot remember what hubby and I talked about.. it was all a blur now. I was lying there thinking that i was so glad the whole thing is over and baby is safe.

Once the hour is up, they pushed me to my room and bring the baby to us. I was too tired after that ordeal to start stimulate breast feeding. Just saw the cute chubby little girl of ours and then hubby asked to send back to nursery for care, which was the best option. He at that point must be so so so exhausted especially not being resting nor sleeping for more than 24 hours! Always stand by my side. Well, i couldn't remember much of that night. Only knew that i was very warm with 2 layers of blanket, hubby took a shower and made his sofa bed. Then it was off to dreamland. Well.. there was not much of a dream. It was a blur.. then next thing i know a few nurses came in to clean me and gave me pain killers injection and also blood circulation injection. Then one of the nurse actually said:"The poor father, completely knocked out". Hubby was asleep like a dead log! He didn't even realised all these actions were happening until later in the morning.

Well.. all that followed were relative and friends visiting. We were in hospital for another 3 more days then was discharged together with the little girl on past Tuesday. I am now starring at this bundle of joy and think.. it is all worth it. However, i still have nightmares over the experience and i do feel overly protected with this baby because of the ordeal. Also.. i think i must be experiencing the opposite of post-natal depression. I seem to get depress if i am away from the baby. I am sure all these are normal and as time pass, everything will be back to normal. After-all, it has only been less than 1 week.

If you asked me whether i will want to have another baby? My answer is.. definitely yes. But.. not too soon. Actually i am very greedy.. seeing this cute little thing.. i want 3 more! But hubby limits me to only another 1 more. He doesn't want to see me go through this again. Well, i think i might just choose a c-section for next delivery. No fuss just more pain afterwards compared to normal delivery.. my wound still bothers me.. but again, is something that i need to wait for time to heal.